Hey folks! It’s been a while.
I’ve been meaning to write, but life hasn’t been kind to me lately. It’s not entirely disastrous, thankfully, yet there’s this quiet dissatisfaction simmering in me that never goes away. And it’s really bugging me. Every day starts to feel the same… maybe I need a reinvention?
A new job? A pet? Or should I shave my head?
I’ve seen and enjoyed Sinners of course, but I haven’t really been watching that many films (like a good cinephile should~) since the Oscars. I think it’s an attention span thing—during this lull period at the theaters, a lot of the films I want to catch up on are online instead, but I find myself not having the same patience to sit and watch without pausing anymore.
It’s honestly devastating that my attention span is so fried, but I guess I’m merely a cog in the machine after all. It’s not my fault! Bring on the 2-minute songs and Netflix shows at 2x speed (jk never)
I stopped poptimister Monthlies too, because they’ve started to feel like a chore I have to complete every month. And the last thing I want is for this Substack to turn into something I dislike. It’s been my safe space and I know I have to protect it. My snail-paced film-watching progress is also slowing down the rate of new Best Actress Challenge pieces, but do trust that I’ve not given up on that yet. It’ll keep going because I look forward to watch so many of these films.
Amidst the fog, I started posting random pop culture videos on my new TikTok account (yet another sign of my spiraling attention span). It works for me so far, as I’m having loads of fun making simple videos when writing here feels too draining.
So… back to me and wanting reinvention.
I don’t know. Being an adult seems so easy and difficult at the same time. I have an okay job, I have good friends and family by my side, I am mostly happy. I shouldn’t be complaining, right?
But I keep feeling like this isn’t quite it. Maybe I should have a job that holds more personal meaning. Maybe I should be engaging with the world (and music, films, TV shows) in a more curious and perceptive way instead of just going through the motions of life mindlessly. Time is finite, and I know I shouldn’t waste it. Other times, I think I should stop wasting my passion for pop culture and find a way to turn it into a proper income stream. But should I even be commodifying myself like that? Oh, sweet capitalism…
Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers. If you’re feeling the same way as me too, all I know is that we’re in this shit together and I’m so sorry.
What I can say though is that I’ve been keeping myself sane by latching onto little things to look forward to. From weekly episodes of Severance and The Pitt (an excellent new medical drama… highly recommend!) to a Gracie Abrams concert, and now… all I can think about is Lady Gaga. She’s bringing her universally acclaimed Coachella set to Singapore in two weeks and I know it’s gonna be a BLAST.
And then afterwards, I’ll occupy my mind with something else: Lorde Summer AND a HAIM Summer… Survivor 50 casting announcement… Whenever Olivia Rodrigo decides to put out new music…
I used to think that either my physical circumstances or my mindset has to radically change for me to feel any better. But if both options seem too far-fetched for my cynical and low-paid self, maybe this could be the fix. Rather than a reinvention, I’m just gonna try keeping life interesting in small bursts. The mundanity will still be constant, but also temporary, if that even makes sense.
And I promise, when life gets interesting again, I’ll find time to write about it again.
Best,
Fidel
thank you for sharing this! it can be such a struggle to keep up with work, life and substack as a passion project at times. I'm also constantly thinking about how to make it more sustainable but not really finding a solution :/